Out`sync

Why is it that I feel out of sync with time. I am always at the wrong moment, at the wrong place, going the wrong way.

Maybe at another time or in a slightly different situation, things could’ve worked out. But there is always this tiny bit of… how do I put it? An element… a certain something that just isn’t right or in the right amount which causes things to go south.

It is akin to getting a bad hand in a game of cards. You do what you can to soften your losses, but it’ll still end up the same way… a lost.

I know this may sound a little whiny (nay, a little ungrateful even seeing how blessed I am to have a family that is loving and healthy, great REAL true blue friends who are like the brothers I did not have, my health, economical security, solid education, etc etc…) but why does it feel that I have chosen the wrong degree? Why do I realize things too late? Why didn’t I see things the way they are sooner?
Looking back, if the conditions where ideal, if I was in that guy’s shoes as who I am now, man…I could have gotten that girl. I could have gotten that part-time job. I could have avoided misery. I could be in a ‘group’ for once instead of a regular “lone wolf” in school. Lots of could’ve been…

Or is this just another classical case of grasses always looking greener from the other side of the fence. Like the song goes… Nothing tastes as sweet as what I can’t have.

Not that I am really complaining or anything. Right now, life is going great. In fact, I’ve never felt so good about myself for such a sustainable stretch of time.

I finally figured how to carry myself around. Walking, talking, playing, dressing, studying… It all comes naturally to me now. Everything fits (sorta anyway).

It isn’t… “forced” anymore. Like… like I’m finally (and truthfully) comfortable operating naturally in my own skin. I’ve noticed that I now do not let my environment or any shitty circumstances to deeply influence me to feel a certain way.

But why didn’t I figure all these out in the BEGINNING of my uni life, not the last semester of my final year as a student. Hell, if I’ve experienced this paradigm shift in self-imagery back in good ole Dee Jay (and I mean “good ole” in an extremely sarcastic manner), my high school life would be a much more pleasant and different experience.

Before I will know it, I’ll be out in the big cruel world of employment and I’ll have to start learning the ropes all over again. Figuring thing out all over again, making mistakes, getting hurt. Yes, without a doubt very strong medicine that would make me tougher, leaner, and meaner.

But can’t I enjoy this “high” for just a little longer? I don’t feel ready yet to go out in the world with adult responsibilities. Studying life, which is now crystal clear to me, is the best time of one’s life. Such a carefree existent with papa and momma to take care of everything.

Sigh… Yeah, yeah… It’s probably time to suck it up and grow up.

I’ll just have to savor theses last few months and hopefully, get to tie up shoestrings. My ultimate wish is to settle and possibly patch up certain…. issues.

“Vote for Pedro!”