If You’re Going to Get Shot Down, You Might as Well Look Good Crashing

I’m stuck in the middle.

I am working for a middleman trading house.

I am the middle child of a middle class family.

Hell, even my examination scores were usually just 50%.

So it’s not surprising that my love life is kinda stuck as well.

In the not-so-distance past, the girls that I’ve used to go after do not seem particularly interested.

As a good friend of mine preaches, girls love assholes.

Reason?

Simple… these guys are scumbags.

In some twisted logic, girls (in my age gap anyway) will find more “freedom” in a relationship with these kind of boys.

It is sheer genius actually, if you would give a pause and think about it.

The relationship can either end because of the girl’s fault, or the guy’s fault, aye?

If the breakup was caused by the girl, so what?

Guys like these will just shrug and bounce right back on to someone in a heartbeat (give or take a little “tayang-menwayang” to show that he was victimized to gain some brownie points for his the next endeavor).

So the girl doesn’t need to concern herself with those rather inconvenient feelings such as guilt and remorse.

The guy will live, with little to no ill effect.

On the other hand, if it’s the guy’s fault for the breakup… well, wasn’t it expected?

I sincerely doubt that the girl did not even once consider the possibility of infidelity and/or over-possessiveness, which are the hallmarks of such guys, during the initial stages of the relationship.

No doubt, being wronged by someone really does hurt, believe you me.

But I believe, deep, deep, deeeeeep down, the girl was prepared, one way or another, for such an eventuality.



The JoJo song above could not have said it any better. Things like “sincerely falling for someone” are only exclusively reserved for stupid people who do not know how to play the game.

So anyway, the girls that I’ve tried to court in the past will regard me as the rather “serious/nice-guy” type, I suppose.

Now, see, there’s the problem.

Girls are now faced with a dilemma.

Putting aside those really evil bitches, a typical young girl’s conscience would rather not take the risk of actually hurting someone who isn’t suffering from severe asshole-lism.

Or worse still, being hurt by someone who is genuinely “nice”, further raising the possibility that there is something so inherently wrong/evil with you that you could even bring out the worst in the nicest of them.

The fear of actually screwing up something real… something significant… something utterly and infinitely more meaningful isn’t something that most people would want to risk.

Or alternately, many girls are under the impression that by getting together with me, it’s as good as a marriage (or a jail sentence, depending on who you talk to).

Look, I’m not the Pope, alright? I don’t expect my first girlfriend to be my wife.

I am just interested in pursuing a relationship that could lead into something more.

For awhile, after several painful lessons in the finer points of rejection, I was quite contented to the fact that I would not find someone in the near future.

But I did, in a quite unexpected way actually.

Usually when I fall for someone, I used to follow the old saying that "once a guy and a girl reaches the friendship stage, don’t place hope for anything more to happen".

Well, when I’ve first met her slightly over half a year ago, I was actually crushing on someone else.

And I really thought she was together with this other guy.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, we gradually met up more often and I’ve grown to really like her, more than a friend should.

She is already pretty to begin with (she has these sharp and striking features, a trait which I find quite rare among Malaysian girls), but there is this radiating glow about her that gets brighter the more you get to know her.

Headstrong, intelligent and confident, she inspires me to be bigger than my current self.

Sure, sometimes I feel like a kid around her… nay, more like a student in the presence of a reproachful Mandarin teacher (heh heh!) but there is a softer side to her which she guards well.

Any-hoo, I’ve tried my best to woo the said lass. She did consider pursuing the relationship to more-than-just-friends status, but I, in an ironic and quite cruel twist of fate, wasn’t the “secure” choice.

I was deemed too easily contented with my comfort zone.

In my honest opinion though, I think it is silly reason.

I am loyal, kind, funny, kinda-good-looking-ish, have a good starting career, totally adore her and secure enough with my inner self that I don’t see the need to dominate the relationship.

I guess that different people have different priorities during different periods of their lives.

But instead of cowing down in the face insurmountable odds, instead of just giving up and justifying to myself with statements like what chance in hell do I have with a girl like her, I fought back.

Even though nothing happen in the end, I have absolutely no regrets.

I’ve done my best, shown her a great time and I think we genuinely had alot of fun together.

More importantly, I did not lose a friend.

However, the curse of my middle-ism has stuck again. Playful girls think I’m too nice + serious and serious girls think I’m too comfortable and easily contented.

Ah, well… it’s not the first time. I dunno whether to be overly concerned or glad that I don’t feel too sad about rejection anymore, even after half a year pursuing the said girl.

Anyway, after our talk, I turned on the car radio after dropping her off and lo and behold; her “theme song” came on, right on cue.



Snow Patrol - Signal Fire
The perfect words never crossed my mind,
'cause there was nothing in there but you,
I felt every ounce of me screaming out,
But the sound was trapped deep in me,

All I wanted just sped right past me,
While I was rooted fast to the earth,
I could be stuck here for a thousand years,
Without your arms to drag me out,

There you are standing right in front of me (x2)
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety

No I don't wanna wait forever (x2)

In the confusion and the aftermath,
You are my signal fire,
The only resolution and the only joy,
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes,

A sign from above?

God, I certainly hope not.

"In proper English: I say, take that, you scoundrel!"
"Translated to proper Malay: AMBIK KAU!"