She was not the one for me after all

Well, she wasn’t the one after all. The good thing is I’m neither too sad nor overly depressed about it. I’m not too sure if that is a good sign though. Been shot down so many times that I am getting used to it already! :(

Which leads to another dilemma of mine. How will I know which is the right one when she comes? When I first met her, it was like… finally finding a piece of the puzzle that actually fits. All the signs pointed towards her. Every other girl that I have found attractive in the past began to dull away. I was never this certain about any girl before. That I could just say, “Yes, this is the one for me” without any doubt what-so-ever. There was no… barrier in communications, no self-consciousness. For once, I’ve met a girl that I like without my brain screaming: saysomethingfunnysayanythingsaysomethingjustopenyour
mouthandspeakwaitnocloseityouaregappinglikeanidoit.

She was just plainly… perfect.

I felt like I could be just myself and that she actually finds me special enough to be her's as well.

However, after that first week, things got a little… odd.
She wasn’t ignoring me outright but she didn’t seam to be intrigued by me anymore. Like she doesn’t go out of her way to say hi or anything, which was quite a contrast to the week before. Tried to start a conversation with her a couple of times but… she just clamped up on me. It felt so awkward. Like a comedian doing an act with a room full of stony-faced audiences.

I know I know… all the girls who are reading this will probably go like “See? All you boys are soooo perasaan. Just because a leng lui talk to you you think she is all hot for you already!”.

But really, after the December 2005 Incident, I sincerely believe that she was my light at the end of the tunnel. That God has finally lead me to someone really special.

Well, to cut things short, I thought maybe she is the kind that you know… get stressed up with work or exam results and then clamps up to people she doesn’t really know during that time. But when I asked her what’s up, she will just say nothing, everything’s fine. Work isn’t bothering me etc etc. I’m happy.

Well, after 2 weeks of wondering to myself “Was it something I said? Was it something I did wrong?” I just went and ask her directly. Perhaps using the medium of MSN wasn’t such a good idea. How we say things in person might not sound the way we meant it when we type it out in words. Sometimes, we really take for granted our ability to express ourselves with body language, tone, intonations and volume.

But under the circumstances, face-to-face would’ve just backed her into a corner and calling her on the phone… well, that’s worst in my opinion. I fancy myself good in words so why not? :P

It turned ugly really fast. At first I thought it was writers block, that I didn’t have a good feel for my audience. That everything I say was the absolutely worst possible thing I could have said to her.
But in the end, I think she already made up her mind about me and well… no matter what I say she would’ve jumped on it anyway.

After a lot of “now your sounding weird” and “your not making any sense” (and a lot of emoticons… I swear that girl has emoticons for every occasion!), she finally just dropped the ball on me.

It hurt a little that she thinks I’m just like every other guy out there in the world. That isn’t me (well, which guy ever does, right? :P). Although she didn’t specifically say it out loud, I am not the obsessive/jerk type. I don’t expect a girl that I’ve only just met for a week to call me everyday or stick with me like glue for every waking moment. No, no, no! I just want to know what had happen between now and 2 weeks ago. Why the sudden change? Of course she didn’t see any changes at all… Everything is fine. It was only me that see it that way.

So basically, she already has an opinion about me and she doesn’t like what she sees so far. I was not her one. I probably read a sign of her just wanting to be just friends as another signal. I guess guys are really easily "perasaan"-ted. I am no different.

She ask me outright whether I am trying to ‘pikat’ her and then ending her question with an emoticon of a stick man jumping off a building and dying in a pool of blood.

Ouch…

So I replied honestly: “I just want to be your friend. Just like how we were 2 weeks ago. If something more happens in time, good. If not… then ok. That’s all”. And that is truly how I felt.

She then ended the whole things stating she isn’t comfortable being my friend. Don’t want to get too close to me. “You’re scary”.

Sigh… well, at least that is better than December 2005 Incident’s “you were so negative until I felt like dying around you!”

‘Scary’ is an improvement in this case, I suppose :P

So yeah, to the girl that I thought was the one for me, if you are reading this:
My feelings towards you are sincere. I just thought you were the light at the end of my dark tunnel and I made a move. I took a chance. I took my shot. Was it too strong a move? Maybe… But I have no regrets about it. I did what I thought was right. I’m not a player, I never been in a relationship before. I’m not looking for a one off thing. I want someone special… someone who I can see a future with. Someone who loves me for who I am. I know we’ve only met and you’re probably thinking “you don’t know me so how can you possibly say that kind of things?” Well, put it this way. I want to know you. If only you have just given me the chance to. I’m sorry that you feel that way about me. It is my hope that we can still be friends.

Well, that is it. I dunno what else I can possibly say at this point to make things go the way I want them to go. I guess things aren't meant to go your way so that you can learn other ways to handle things. I just wish there was an instruction manual for relationships. :)

"1 Corinthians 13:4 – 13:7"